After several months of not being brave enough to post what I just posted…I spent the morning looking through boxes of writing…so far only read the typed pages..there are many books full of handwritten things…I have decided to write this blog which will be the only way I will ever get to put in writing all my various writings so that anyone can read them…At the moment they are not in any orderand I may keep it that way….some were written when I was in a writing group from about 1994..some just written when the thoughts came…Some have no dates so I have no idea when theya re from….and I am not even sure how to put this blog anywhere where it will be seen..Will try..
Some are fantasy some are from my childhood..
1994 Voyage Once upon a time there was a little girl. She sat inside herself and looked out. It was as if she were a ship on an ocean voyage. Her eyes peering out the port holes. Her ship being carried in different directions, through tumultuous storms and quiet calms of stillness. She never knew what would be next. Something inside wished that someday she might have some say as to the direction the voyage might take. In the meantime, since she was so young and small and her voice so far away down inside,m so afraid to say NO! or I WANT! or I NEED! OR EVEN; Please help me!
She loved swings, and would swing as high as she could and would stretch her arms and her back straight and let her head fall way back watching as the world moved upside down and made her feel dizzy and wonderful feeling.
Standing on line in the school yard at PS.91, waiting for the bell to ring, she and her friend Angelina both examining their bitten fingernails. Angelina bit hers even more and said that her aunt told her that under the nails was a poison and if you bit too close it could kill you. She looked at Angelina telling her this story, she looked from inside peering out her port holes, and thought. that was stupid because if it were true I would be dead. Just another adult lie to get her to stop biting her nails, anyway why would my body be poison that could kill me? Does Angelina really believe her aunt? Not knowing what to say she made a funny smile and looked up at the sky. Slowly her eyes moved from the ground to the building, up up and over the brick wall, up the three stories of long windows up up up her gaze travelling toward the edge of the roof. The dark brick building against the bright sky. The sky so blue with big white clouds. The clouds were moving fast, and suddenly she could feel the earth moving. She was on a planet, and it was turning, she could feel the edge of the building moving towards her., she kept her gaze and stood steady using the gravity to keep her in place. Heart beating wildly in her chest, she knew now a miracle had happened. The bell rang, everyone filed into the opened door. Keeping this secret for herself, for later, for when people would understand. So many years to go, so much time in this place. She watched in school, she looked out from inside, never wanting to participate. It all looked so fake. They learned something, read something, figured something out, took a test but never understood what it was for. She was sure she could not do it, and was not sure she wanted to. Carried along thinking and drawing and making things. She had friends but still kept inside looking out. Distant from their reality. Why? Why do they do things that way? Do you have to? Is there a rule? Who made the rules?
Turning into a rebellious teenager.’I can wear what I want to’ were her words to her mother, ‘who said I can’t wear jeans into Manhattan?” I can wear what I want anywhere anytime.” God never said I had to dress up to impress someone else! ‘ Her voice was waking up, the voyage maybe becoming her own. But the pain, her mother acted like she would die everytime she found something that felt like it could be hers. LEAVE ME ALONE was her cry.as her eyes cried hot tears and could did not want to look out anymore. The voyage had been long, she is not a little girl anymore. She goes on little voyages, slowly looks out the port holes through a camera. It can be wonderful s and allows her to be still inside. In a place where she can feel the miracle of the world turning. So the life voyage, the external physical voyage that she believed she had some say in, was still a ship at sea with no captain, no chart, no knowledge of the stars to guide her. The wind blowing from every direction brought a possibility for an inner voyage. It could have taken any direction but somehow even with the creative energy it always had its feet on the ground with the help of grade three in the school yard waiting for the bell to ring. It was not that she wanted to be alone it is that she is alone, and it has taken a lifetime to see that reality. To see that she needs others to learn how to be here alive now in whatever direction the voyage takes on.